left behind

Confession time ... a funk has crept in, like a chilly fog that goes all the way to my bones. It's not depression, it's not despair ... I have no better word for it than - funk. I've kept my head down, staying as busy as I can, ramped up the exercise to release all those positive endorphins, and still I cannot shake this feeling. I know why it has descended, but knowing why doesn't change the mood ... rational side of the brain is not winning out over the emotional side - for the moment. I also know this is temporary - I call it the "left behind syndrome."

For those of you who are not in the military this is PCS Season. It's where the moving vans and packers show up and pack you out for your Permanent Change of Station. The disruption and stress it causes military families is amplified on a military base. The buzz is constant ... "where are you moving?" "when's your packout date?" "have you found a house yet" "do you have your orders yet?""do you know anyone who has lived in xxx and can tell me about the area?" - you cannot go to the commissary (military grocery store), gym, any social event with out hearing it. And for those that are leaving for the most part what I hear is bittersweet - they've loved their time in Japan but cannot wait to return to family and friends (... and stores where you can buy American sized clothes).

You cannot drive around the base and help but see the moving vans - everywhere. They are like locusts that have descended upon us. Last week we had two moving vans in our tiny townhouse parking lot as two of my neighbors were in various stages of their packouts. One day it was lovely enough to have all the windows and doors open and I could hear the ripping sound of packing tape as my next door neighbor had all her goods packed up to head to Washington State. That sound for me signals change ... lives are about to move in a different direction. Both theirs and ours, we will lose neighbors. I will no longer have Mary's door to knock on and ask an "emergency" knitting question. Who will take their place? Someone quiet we all hope, although it would be harder to find quieter neighbors than the Gladues.

I do not envy my friends, they have done their time here, some longer than expected. One friend said being stationed in Japan is like going to "Hotel California" (Eagles song) - "you can come but you can never leave" - receiving follow on orders that were totally unexpected, two years turn into four. It's their time to go home.

I think that's where my funk has derived from ... I want to stay and continue to experience all that this amazing country has to offer. At the same time, I want to go home too and be with our friends and family. I don't want to be part of the "left-behinds."

Last week was the once a month Ikebana lesson. It was a bittersweet day for all of us, as Charlotte our unofficial leader, shared one of her last days here in Japan arranging flowers and sharing good food and some laughs. Somehow I sense that our Japanese sensei's knew we would need flowers to lift our spirits, and when I saw them pull out the sunflowers I felt myself release a sigh - sunflowers are like happy pills for me. I cannot help but look at them and smile - it is exactly what I needed.

Being a military spouse forces you to make friends - fast. This has never been a strong suit of mine, it always seems to take me a while ... and then it's usually time to move again. Here on base, we are all in this crazy life together, we know the ups and downs of moving a family and having to say goodbye to friends. I'm getting the good-bye emails and the good-bye fb entries ("... sitting at Narita and we've just been told our flight has been delayed indefinitely" - so sorry Nancy, so close and yet so far!). To all my friends out there who have/will be moving this PCS season, I wish you fair winds and following seas. Thank you for opening up your lives, sharing the ins and outs of military life overseas, and for reminding the rest of us that are left behind - that our time here is short and to make the most of it while we can ... that's inspiring.